I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
