We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize