I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
