i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
