i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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