HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
