Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
sarcasm needs its own font
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
