I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
