apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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