someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
