I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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