I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
