i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
