I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We have started to decorate penises.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm too high and old for this...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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