Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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