Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
