You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
