You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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