I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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