I need to stop coming to work sober
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
