even my farts smell like vagina
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
