oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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