Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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