my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
