how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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