I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm too high and old for this...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
