Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
