I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
