Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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