she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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