thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
