pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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