I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
