so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
