Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
