Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
