I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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