Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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