Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
