I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
