his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
