I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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