How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
