after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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