I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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