im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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