all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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