Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
