we have pet lesbian snakes
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
