Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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