he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
