Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
