Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
