non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
