Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
