cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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