thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So squirting runs in the family.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
