please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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