I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want to make out with him forever
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
