on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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