Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
