So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
