was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
