I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
